After rolling up on the Democratic primary with the same energy of the friend who shows up late to the club, insists on bottle service, and then says huffily, “Fine, if you’re going to be weird about it, I’ll just pay!”, Michael Bloomberg has taken his half-finished magnum of Cristal and gone home. After a disappointing showing in the Super Tuesday primaries, Bloomberg announced he was suspending his campaign. Some would say this puts the nail in the coffin of his presidential ambitions, but he assured supporters he was not gone; he’d simply stepped into another room in his 22,000-square-foot house.
Having dropped a cool half a billion dollars, Bloomberg tweeted that he was leaving the race for the same reason he got into it: “to defeat Donald Trump.” Ah, yes, much to be inspired by here. This is a tactic from the Force Majeure school of politics. He’s like “I wasn’t running away from the avalanche; I was running toward the other side of the avalanche.” Whomst among us hasn’t spend the GDP of Tonga to achieve the opposite of what we set out to do? Mike Bloomberg’s like “I said I wanted to be president but I also never said I didn’t want to be president. Anyway, I gotta go dust my wine cave.”
I will say, I feel it’s a grave injustice that Bloomberg’s campaign ended before he got to my state because I was very interested in attending one of his rallies with catered food and an open bar. Would I have voted for him? Not if he was the last billionaire on Earth. But, like my icon JLo in Hustlers, I will let him buy me cocktail and throw dollars at my feet. This is America! Alas, the former mayor tried to buy his way into the White House but found himself blue-lined into another neighborhood.
BY R. ERIC THOMAS